Pride and Platypus
by Thumbtax
Summary: The Pride made one mistake that fateful night: hiring through L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.


All of these characters are, ultimately, the property of the Walt Disney Corporation, although some of them are also the property of Marvel Comics. And therein lies a plot bunny. After all, if the Avengers exist in the universe of Phineas and Ferb, then who knows who else might be out there?

* * *

"Daa-aad," Vanessa moaned, "it's not that I don't want to spend the weekend with you. I do. I just don't get why it has to be _this_ weekend. I mean, if you're going to be hanging out with your _own_ friends anyway, why do _I_ have to come along?"

Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz turned into the driveway of the tastefully landscaped mansion. "It's just for one night, Vanessa, honey, and tomorrow we do something you like. We can go... go boogie down at that... vampire disco."

Vanessa sighed.

"Besides," her father continued, "there'll be lots of other kids your age for you to play with. Look, I brought Travel Edition Pictionary!" He held up the box and rattled it.

"It sounds like some of the cards are missing."

"Yes, I took out all the racy ones." He frowned. "They should put some kind of a sticker on those boxes or something."

Vanessa sighed again, deeper.

"Oh, now don't get all theatrical. You're not missing anything. You guys get to have pizza! All the adults get to have is _potluck_. You know how that works. You take the time to make something really good and then you find out all anyone else brought is a bag of ice. Well, not this time. This time, _I _brought the bag of ice!" He turned around. "Speaking of which, how are we doing with that, Norm?"

"I think we may have had a miscommunication, sir!" Norm said cheerfully. "It turns out my interior isn't actually refridgerated!"

"Well, whatever, here we are. Everybody out!"

Man, girl, and robot stepped out of the car onto an expensive-looking flagstone walk.

"Ooh, this place is ritzy," Heinz observed.

"Not bad," Vanessa admitted.

"You know it! This is the big leagues. Time for your old man to dazzle 'em with his networking skills!" Heinz grasped the door knocker and rapped it against the door firmly.

"Dr. Doofenshmirtz, I presume," said the large, immaculately dressed man who answered. "My name is Geoffrey Wilder. Allow me to welcome you to my home."

"Great to be here, Jeff!" Heinz said, ambling in. "This place is amazing! You must get one fat alimony check to pay for this place."

"A ha ha. Actually, I'm still married. This is my wife, Catherine."

"Oh! Nice to meet you, Cathy. This is my daughter, Vanessa, and my robot, Norm. We brought ice! Show 'em, Norm."

"With pleasure, sir!" Norm opened the hatch in his torso. Several gallons of water poured out onto the hardwood floors.

"Ugh," Vanessa muttered. "Where's that kids' room?"

"I'll show you," said a friendly voice. Vanessa turned to see a girl dressed in red and black. "My name's Nico, by the way."

"Oh-I'm Vanessa. Wow, I love your outfit."

"Thanks! I made it myself. Yours is cool, too!"

"Not as cool as yours. Do you do custom orders?"

"Enjoy Travel Pictionary!" Heinz called to the retreating girls. "Say, Jeff, can I put my shoes somewhere to dry out? I don't normally take them off in the house, but they're all wet and if I don't dry 'em out then I get foot fungus."

"Of course. Whatever you need." Geoff leaned closer. "You did bring the _device?_"

"The wha? Oh, that. Yeah, it's in the trunk. Norm, would you?"

"I live to obey the implied meaning of your sentence fragments, sir!" Norm chirped, swiveling on his heel and stomping off down the path.

"Well, while he's doing that, I'm going to hit the can and the canapes, in that order!" Heinz laughed and sauntered off into the house. "That's a little ice-breaking humor, and before you ask, yes, there _is_ more where that came from!"

Catherine murmured into her husband's ear. "Dear, where exactly did you find this idiot?"

"I know, I know. He may appear buffoonish, but I've seen his inventions. The man has talent; talent he's been foolishly wasting, true, but that's where we come in. We can put up with him long enough to get what we need. After that-" Geoffrey smiled. "He's disposable."

* * *

"No way! Janet?" Heinz beamed. "I haven't seen you since high school!"

"Hello, Heinz," Janet Stein said uneasily, scooting to the other end of the couch.

Alice Hayes smiled. "You two know each other?"

"Oh, we were inseperable!" Heinz said. "We met in the school superscience club and before I knew it we were an item! What a blissful one and a half weeks that was. Then she left me for-what was the name of that little twerp who was always following you around?"

"You?" Janet suggested icily.

"No, no, the other one. Victor! That was it. I mean, no performance issues with _that_ name, right? And boy, was he terrible! He even pestered you into going to prom with him. Ahhh, whatever happened to that poor shmuck, anyway?"

"We're married now."

"Oh. Ohhhhhh." Heinz laughed. "Wow! And I was going about to start hitting on you, too. Oh, boy, would _that _have been awkward! Say, there's old Vic now! How's it hanging, Pimple Nose?"

"Pimple Nose?" Alice asked, stifling a laugh.

"Ohhhh, I can't believe he never told you his old high school nickname! You'll never guess why we called him that!"

"Get off the couch," Victor growled.

"Honey, please," Janet said. "Not here."

"Shut up," Victor said coldly. "And _you. _ Get away from my wife right now." Powerful motors thrummed as the metallic Fistogon encasing his hand awakened into angry, roaring life.

"Hold on, Pimply, I want to tell them this. So when he was in high school, he got this great big pimple, right? Like one of those really gross ones that you want to pop but its oily heart is buried way down where you can't get to it, so it's just all tender and greasy and sticks around forever. And it was right on his-"

"_You_," Victor growled, raising the Fistigon. "_I'll-_"

Geoffrey's hand fell gently but firmly onto his shoulder. "Victor, may I speak with you and your wife privately, please? In the kitchen."

* * *

"I'll kill him," Victor growled. "I'll kill him. I don't care how complicated this piece of junk is. We can figure it out."

"Please, honey," Janet begged. She was kneeling on the kitchen floor, examining a device which looked a little like someone's idea of a turret-mounted death ray by way of a 1950's mad-scientist B-movie. "It's not just complicated. It's-everything is wired into the self-destruct systems! If we don't know exactly what we're doing when we activate it, we could blow ourselves to pieces."

"It seems our 'independant contractor' is craftier that we gave him credit for," Geoffrey mused. "Until he can operate the device for us, we don't dare get rid of him."

"I don't care," Victor repeated. "I don't care-I don't even know why you brought in another scientist when Janet and I-"

"Because you said it was impossible," Geoffrey reminded him.

"It _is_ impossible!" Victor snarled. "This... this slimy two-bit conman _idiot_ has sold you a fancy casing stuffed with spare parts, and all of you are falling for it! Well, I'm _not_! Bringing an outsider to a meeting of the Pride was a mistake, and I'm going to correct it, right now!"

"Victor!" Janet said, grabbing his sleeve. He shoved her away and stormed toward the kitchen door, Fistigon powering up again, crackling with electricity, roaring for blood. There was a blinding flash, and a burst of rainbow colored light caught the furious inventor in the back of the head, knocking him off his feet and to the tiled floor. The Fistigon popped once more and shut down.

"No," Janet said, running to him. "Victor! Is he-?"

"He'll be fine, Janet," Frank Dean said, stepping into the room and pulling the black glove back onto his hand. "You might want to tell him to keep it down when he wakes up. Leslie and I could hear him from upstairs."

"Superior Majesdanian hearing?" Geoffrey asked.

"More like superior Earthling lungs," Leslie Dean shot back, following her husband into the room. "I've never known a species to scream _quite_ so-"

The kitchen door swung open and Heinz strode in. "Ooh, kitchen party. Hey, are there any more of those little roll things in here? They're almost gone. They were really good, like, like tofu, only, you know, edible."

"Thank you," Leslie said. "I made those. They're vegan spring rolls."

"Oh, nice. Are you two scuba divers?"

"No," Leslie answered. "My husband and I are aliens. Exiles from the planet Majesdane."

"No kidding. Hey, am I the only single person here? Because I notice it's all couples, and I'm wondering, is this one of _those_ kinds of parties? I mean, I know what goes on, I'm hip. A lawn gnome sees things, you know, late at night."

"No, this is not a key party, Heinz," Geoffrey said.

"Oh. I mean, good. Because if the invitation had specified a date, I could have gotten a date. I'm not a loser or anything. It's just, 'plus one', that's kind of ambiguous, right? That's why I brought Norm. He gets all pouty if he's not included."

He popped the last vegan spring roll in his mouth.

"So, aliens, huh? Hey, do you know a guy named Meap?"

Frank and Leslie looked at each other. "Uh, no."

"About this tall, all pink and white, says his own name all the time?" Heinz prodded. "Sometimes has various moustaches?"

"No, we don't know anyone named Meap," Leslie said. "Just because we're aliens doesn't mean we know every other alien. Do you know how many inhabited planets there are in the universe?"

"I don't know, ten? Well, if you see him, say hi." Heinz looked down. "I see ol' Pimple Nose has been partying a little too hard."

"I think, now that the food is gone," Geoffrey said, "we'd better get down to business. Shall we adjorn to the basement?"

"Oh, boy!" Heinz said, rubbing his hands together. "My first time here and I get to see your _lair_!"

* * *

"Very well, ladies and gentlemen," Geoffrey said to the assembled members of the Pride, "I suggest we move on to our next-to-last order of business. I'm sure you've all gotten the chance to meet the good Doctor here."

There was grumbling from around the table.

"Yes, well, I assure you all that after he's assisted us, you'll be free to deliver his just reward in whatever manner you see fit."

"Ooh," Heinz said. "Do I smell a bonus?"

"Just five minutes," Victor muttered, adjusting the ice pack on his head. "Five minutes alone with him..."

"You're welcome to it," Dale Yorkes said under his breath. "Once he found out Stacey and I were time travellers, he wouldn't shut up about us taking him back to see Love Handel's debut tour."

"He kept asking Robert what his favorite CD of spooky Halloween noises was," Tina Minoru moaned. "I don't think he even realized we were dark magicians. He... he... he just thought he was making good conversation!"

"I know we're eager," Geoffrey said, holding up both hands. "But please, hear him out first. Heinz, if you will."

"Thank you." Heinz stood up. "When I was a young boy growing up in Gimmelshtump, I once ran away from home after accidentally witnessing my parents plotting to steal Dookleberries. I decided to move to Hollywood and become a famous movie star, but a series of complications which I won't go into here arose and I ended up spending three months as a sheep herder in the tiny mountain kingdom of Andorra instead. Long story short, I failed to achieve my dream, and decided that one day, I would return, to claim Hollywood-indeed, the entire state of California!-as my own! That's why I build this-"

He swept the sheet dramatically off the object in front of him.

"The _Take-Over-Californiainator! _All I need to do is push this little button here and California is _mine!_" He grinned maniacally.

Geoffrey coughted. "I believe the agreement was that California was the Pride's, Heinz."

Heinz waved dismissively. "Sure, sure, you can have California. I don't really need it. Not after I'm done using it as a staging ground to take over... _the Tri-State Area!_"

The assembled villains sat in stunned silence. Victor sank deeper into his chair. "California is _bigger_ than the Tri-State Area, you stupid-"

As Heinz reached for the activation button, a bookshelf at the edge of the room slid aside. Geoffrey turned. "Catherine? It's not quite time yet for our guest of honor..."

"Guest of honor?" Heinz asked incredulously, looking down at the newest arrival. "That's a platypus in a blue wig and hot pants."

The platypus donned a fedora.

"_Perry_ the platypus in a blue wig and hot pants!" Heinz cried.

"Do you know this... thing?" Catherine asked as the platypus leapt into the room like a pouncing tiger.

"That's my nemesis!" Heinz said, clutching the Take-Over-Californianator protectively as Perry aimed a punch at the fragile machinery. "He... ow!"

"Catch it!" Geoffrey barked. "How did it get in here, anyway?"

"Oh, that was... ow!... probably my fault. I asked him to water my plants while I was out here, and I told him where I'd be... hey!" Heinz gasped in realization as he dodged another punch. "If my plants are dried out when I get home, it's on you, Perry!"

"_You told your nemesis where to find us?_" Geoffrey bellowed.

"Well, at least I _have_ a nemesis, unlike some people I could name."

"_I don't want one!_"

"Sure, keep telling yourself that. I was the same way. 'I'm a strong, independant evil scientist. I don't need a nemesis to feel validated'. Then you...oof!...then you go home and eat a pint of Chunky Monkey in front of the TV. I mean, I didn't want to say anything but it's kind of pathetic-"

"_Rip!_" Tina Minora cried, swinging her staff. A nasty-looking gash appeared in the table where Perry had been just seconds before. At the same time, Frank Dean aimed a blast of energy at the bouncing blur of blue-green, barely missing and turning a shelf of books into a flurry of loose parchment and singed leather.

"I don't understand," Stacey Yorkes said, backing up against the wall. "Even if he knew where we were... he shouldn't have known how to get past our security measures, unless... unless..."

Her eyes opened in horror. "Unless _Agent P-_"

There was a thud, and she slumped to the ground, unconscious.

"Yorkes!" Geoffrey said, scrambling for his gun. "Do you know something about this?"

Dale Yorkes shook his head. "No... it was just a pet. We thought it was just a pet. Then we found out it was something more."

"For God's sake, man, tell me!" Geoffrey took a wild shot at Perry, nearly clipping one of the Hayes. "Are there more of these things?"

"It was..." Dale's voice broke. "It was just a pig, that's all. We thought we could get rid of it. Took it from our daughter when she wasn't looking and dropped it in the Jurassic period. Thought it was gone forever. But now it's back. _Orwell the Pig_...is _back!_"

There was another thud, and he fell, and Geoffrey was firing wildly at something small and pink and curly-tailed and wearing a fedora just like the platypus'. The bullets ricocheted off the stone floor, and he heard someone scream in pain (a man's voice, which meant it wasn't Catherine who'd been hit, so he didn't really care) and he just kept firing until the clip was empty.

"Wilder!" Robert Minoru. "Dammit, my arm! I'm bleeding-"

"Should make it easier to cast that blood magic of yours. Now stop whining and stop those things!"

"I'm on it!" Leslie Dean said, landing lightly on her feet next to them and ripping off her mask. "Watch and learn, ape-men, this is how a_ civilized _species handles a threat!"

She blasted out with a geyser of light and color, ripping in shimmering waves through the air, charring the surface of the conference table, and _almost _catching both Perry and Orwell. Instead, the two animal agents dodged, and the beam slammed into the Take-Over-Californianator. The machine wobbled, whined, and fell over.

"Nice shot, mighty Majesdanian," Geoffrey said dryly.

Heinz popped his head up from behind the table where he'd been crouching. "Oh, darn it! Right on the self-destruct button. You know, in retrospect I probably shouldn't have put that on the side that tips ov-"

Boom.

* * *

"-so after that, everyone was lying around, you know, all _unconscious_ and everything, so I clawed my way out of the rubble and left. Lightweights." Heinz shrugged. "All in all, a pretty boring evening. But at least I got some networking done, so. How about you? Have fun?"

"Actually, I did!" Vanessa said. "Nico was really cool, and the other kids were pretty nice. And we couldn't even feel the explosion from the game room, so that was okay."

"I'm glad, honey. You didn't get bored?"

"Nah. This one guy wanted to sneak out and explore some secret passage or something, but everybody else was really into Travel Pictionary, so we didn't. It was fun, even with the cards missing. I'm... I'm sorry for being such a brat earlier, Dad."

"No harm done," Heinz said cheerfully. "The only problem is I keep thinking I forgot something. I don't know. My phone? No, I have it here. My phone is here. Hmm..."

He stared at the road ahead, lost in thought.

"I know! I forgot to ask Leslie for her vegan spring roll recipe!"

* * *

Jessica brushed a hand through her blue hair. "Thanks for getting me out of there. I thought I was totally gonna die when that tunnel started to collapse."

"It was my pleasure!"

"No, really!" She sighed. "Last time I do a job that involves waiting around in a basement, that's for sure. From now on, I'm sticking to motel rooms."

"Motels are a budget-friendly way to see America!"

"Uh, sure." She took the metal hulk's hand in hers and looked up at him, an iron tower silhoetted against the stars. "Look... would you like to get together sometime? Not business, I mean, but... as friends? I mean, you saved my life. I know what the stereotype says, but as far as I'm concerned, _you're_ the one with the heart of gold."

"Actually, it's mostly aluminum!" Norm said happily.


End file.
